


All our yesterdays

by NoobSlifer



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Clown!Mana, Drabble Collection, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Beta, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, We Die Like Men, red!allen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21867451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoobSlifer/pseuds/NoobSlifer
Summary: Red knew, at the moment his eyes fell in the clown—Mana Walker’s direction, that the man was nothing but trouble.(But Mana’s smile was simply so bright, the hands holding his so warm and his voice so gentle and caring, that Red couldn’t be able to care even if he tried.)
Relationships: Allen Walker & Mana Walker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	1. Grief

_"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."_

_— C. S. Lewis._

He didn’t mean to scare the child, however, the child made it hard to say if he was scared—the Red Arm kid’s glance hardened and practically growled at him, probably pressed his teeth too forcefully, it even looked painful. “You are not Mana.”

But he was used to little kids playing tough. He knew too well the orphan who pretended to be strong in front of his father’s grave.

So instead, he nodded solemnly. Quietly, like a secret only between them—a child, a shadow and a memory. “I’m not him,” he repeated.

And of course, his calm makes the child furious. There were tears in the kid’s eyes, now. Maybe something like betrayal filling his words. “Then why do you keep smiling like him?” That little voice sounds hoarse, and he did remember crying his heart out, but he didn’t remember looked that vulnerable, so broken and _lonely_. “Why do you keep smiling when he… he…”

_Mana is dead_. Those were the unspoken words. He ears them nevertheless, almost like a soft voice rustled in his ear. He believed in these words and mourned for years. Grieve so hard that an akuma was born from where Mana rested—

(‘But is nothing buried there’ he wanted to say, almost pleading, desperate even in his owns thoughts, still so wounded at really know who the Earl of Millennium truly is. ‘There was never a corpse, it was a lie, a lie, a lie—’)

_But you loved him, don’t you?_

He did. Really. Painfully so. Even if Mana only loved a dog, he did become Allen in order to make Mana happy, to make Mana remember his lost brother (ironic, isn’t it? He never truly escape Nea’s shadow after all).

And he knew, also, that the child will learn. That Mana’s smile was his last memories of him, to keep walking. Not even the heartbroken cries and yells of a little kid would change that. Not even the pain of losing more than his father, or a brother—

_Because in the end, we all love Mana._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is taken from Shakespeare's play _Macbeth_. I planed to make this a series of drabbles and I have one more to update, because the world needs more Mana and Allen (and I have written a lot of it, only in Spanish because it's easier).
> 
> English is not my first language, so any corrections will be appreciated!  
> I also posted the fanfic in tumblr [here](https://noob-slifer.tumblr.com/post/185707198916/i-actually-wanted-to-finish-this-for-fathers-day).


	2. Shameless Fluff

Most nights, Mana dreams of his travels, of circuses and tricks.  
  
Other nights, Mana feels the horrors of his nightmares crawling back at him, haunting him, and wanting to devour him whole. He doesn't recollect all of those visions, of course, and he doesn't wish to.  
  
(Privately, he knows he doesn't remember a lot of things, anyway.)  
  
But some nights are worse than the screams, the cries, or the alluring figure waiting for him in a familiar field of gold.

Some nights, Mana imagines in his dreams that Allen is dead. And the loneliness is nearly _unbearable_.  
  
(He sees himself digging the tomb, and there's a boy by his side. He notices—the child's arm is red, like his hair, and the corners of his eyes were reddish as well. He's crying the tears that Mana can't achieve to have. Suddenly, he knows—  
'Ah. So you were Allen's friend, too...')  
  
He tells himself that he needs to keep walking, so the nightmares don't get too close and he can guarantee Allen is with him.

And some days, days of strange clarity in the sky and his mind, Mana wonders what happened to the child in his dreams.

* * *

(They got away from the circus. The man carried him for would can be hours, calling him _'Allen, Allen, Allen'_ all the time afterward. He didn't mind. It was his fault that he—that Mana was like _this_ now. So he indulges the man: walk beside him and even help with his clownish acts.

He didn't recall when he starts to _want to_.)

* * *

  
Red can practically feel the tip of his little toes freezing, the winter is especially strong this year; nothing he couldn't deal with, of course. But his feet still hurt. His footwear is wet from the melting snow in the path they wander, and he makes a displeasure noise some time along the way.  
  
Mana pauses, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and says with a tender voice: "Come here, Allen."  
  
He growled, instinctively, when the older man's arms get closer to pick him up. At this, Mana makes a face, blinks, and stops. And Red thinks, almost guilty, that maybe he does behave like a dog after all. A bad dog, maybe. The type that bites and barks and nobody would want to keep around for how awful he is. That kind of dog.  
  
But Mana keeps looking at him, his golden eyes not truly _there_ , but Red knows that the man is making an effort to see him—maybe even Red, not just 'Allen'. Then, he pouts almost in a childlike manner, but points out in nearly a matter-of-fact way: "You look cold."  
  
The boy rolls his eyes and shrugs, feigning indifference. "Yeah, and?"  
  
Mana continues, still making a face like Red is the weird one of the two. "And I'm cold, too."

That makes Red blink, and now is he who looks like he can't understand Mana. But the man is still staring at him, now smiling a little (and that almost makes him want to smile too, for some reason).   
  
The clownish gentleman stares at him with open arms. Red does a face, an odd warm appears in his cheeks, but he doesn't refuse the embrace this time. "Fine! But you will owe me one, old man!"

* * *

  
Red knows Mana has bad dreams, but he doesn't hear him scream or silent cry in a while, so it's okay. The man would try to cuddle him for warmth or attempt to make him laugh with stupid jokes that were not funny. He feels safe beside Mana, no longer so _angry_ , no longer so _empty_.  
  
He hopes that Mana feels safe with him, too.  
  
(And Mana yet dreams of that boy, the child of red's arm. He doesn't recall his name—but sometimes, he doesn't need to be dreaming to see him.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I wrote this in August (after chapter 233, of course) and I wanted to publish it for Allen's birthday. But we're almost there, so! ;D
> 
> I would really like to write more from Mana's point of view. He's one of my favorites characters—besides Allen, obviously, and I think he doesn't get to be written enough, especially with the whole Mana-is-the-Earl affair. I definitely have a thing for two-in-one characters.


	3. Lifting-off-the-ground hug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's my birthday, so I'm updating this to celebrate.
> 
> ~~Also like a couple of days ago I noticed this thing has followers and holy batman, I didn't know AO3 let you see that so it was my bad, sorry~~

Red knew, at the moment his eyes fell in the clown—Mana Walker’s direction, that the man was nothing but trouble. And, of course, he had been right: Cosimov beat him up, then killed the man's poor dog and blamed it on him, and for some reason, _foolishly_ reason, Red still went with the crazy clown that started it all.

(But Mana’s smile was simply so bright, the hands holding his so warm and his voice so gentle and caring, that Red couldn’t be able to care even if he tried.)

And so, the thought of being stuck with a slightly out of his mind, but a little too kind clown, wasn’t so bad. Red had enjoyed the clean clothes, and being feed daily. Mana had even offered him hugs and kisses, but he had been too overwhelming at first, and so the man had only tried to hold him gently until Red stopped shaking. 

(The irony wasn’t lost in him—he was treated more as a person now he was supposedly a _dead_ dog.)

Mana charms were odd. He dressed like a gentleman, elegant and somewhat appealing even for a clown, and Red had caught more than one lady shameless staring the man head to toe. The kind of gaze adults gives each other in private and inexplicably, knowing this made him upset and a little restless. He tried to warn Mana about that, but the man only laughed at him and attempted to embarrass him further—

_(“It’s so nice that Allen cares!”_   
_“I-it’s nothing like that, you damn clown!”)_

—and Red decided to never do that again. Even if since he practically _growls_ at every suspicious woman trying to come uninvited into Mana’s personal space. He didn’t mind acting like a watchdog if is it to protect Mana; though, once a lady with too many jewels in her fingers grimaced in his direction, with so disgust that Red had a reminder that he was nothing more than a street rat playing to be a kid.

 _(“My, why would a gentleman like you keep such a_ dirty _thing?”)_

 ~~For a moment, a rawness down his throat made him unable to bite back at her~~.

Suddenly, Mana had pet his head, picked him up, and hold him close enough to his chest so he can meet the woman's now widen eyes. She started to look flustered, a little red in the face when the man she was talking to abruptly stop looking at her altogether.

Then, he saw it: Mana's eyes were an unusual gold, painfully soft and warm, and Red had trouble believing such a tender gaze would be directed at something—someone like _him_.

_(Well, I’m sure I will find a child under all those dirt!”)_

And if he was still, by chance, so distracted with the whole deal that he didn't immediately shout at the man for carrying him without his permission, Mana also did not mention when Red slowly, so carefully began to melt in his embrace.

(So, Red had known at the moment his eyes fell into Mana that the man was nothing but trouble. He was so strangely warm, so embarrassing and so gentle, half of the time Red didn’t think his own little heart could handle it.

But then along the way, Mana had met his gaze, and somehow—he is utterly, _foolishly_ convinced—everything will be alright.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist of Mana&Allen on [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7Fhs3gX1nbLHExo1Y6JIMk?si=GRbX0Sz5R02n2JLJbXkO-A) so you can judge my musical taste. You're welcome.
> 
> And if someone has a prompt for a drabble or something for this fic, feel free to tell me here or in Tumblr @noobslifer  
> I never take prompts before, but it looks cool and I need an excuse to write more.
> 
> See ya ;D


End file.
